


The Admiral's Fear

by Sira



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 08:25:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sira/pseuds/Sira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for A/R MoL - The only thing Bill couldn't bear to lose was Laura ...<br/>re-upload</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Admiral's Fear

**Author's Note:**

> All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended
> 
> Thank you, ufp13 for beta reading this story! :)
> 
> All remaining mistakes are mine!

The moment Bill Adama had closed the hatch behind him, sealing it shut, he started to pace his quarters.

How dare they?

He knew that people talked; he knew that rumours travelled with light speed in this rag tag fleet; he knew that people weren’t actually trying to be malicious when they spread gossip; still, how dare they?

Bill was aware that people had suspected about his feelings for Laura for a long time, and that the day he left Galactica in a raptor, they suddenly had all the proof they ever needed.  
To hear them whispering that he was lacking feeling for Laura now, well, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He should have talked to the two crewmen gossiping on the hangar deck – taking them down a few notches. Instead he had hidden like a coward behind a raptor, not being able to walk away.

“I heard he had a mental breakdown over Tigh.”

“Over Tigh? What gives you that idea?”

“I overheard Apollo talking to Starbuck.”

“Hmmh, would Apollo tell Starbuck something like that? Even if they’re close, I don’t think he would.”

“But I heard it myself. Starbuck was needling the poor guy merciless, until he admitted the old man was out of sorts somehow, and that it had something to do with Tigh. She wanted to go and see him herself then, but Apollo said she couldn’t. Said that he wasn’t just out of it but had an actual breakdown.”

“Wow, but even if it’s true… a breakdown over Tigh?”

“Exactly. I mean whatever Tigh did this time round, and even when taking into account that those two are friends…”

“Who ever wants to befriend Tigh?”

“You’ve got a point here. Anyway… how can he break down over Tigh but not over Roslin?”

“What the frak are you talking about?”

“Tigh’s just his friend. Roslin’s his lady love. She’s dying for frak’s sake, and he doesn’t bat as much as an eyelid. I mean… leaving the fleet was quite the thing, but breaking over Tigh and not over Roslin. That’s just plain wrong.”

In the end, the two crewmen had moved out of earshot while Bill still stood rooted to the spot.

He resumed his restless pacing.

What did they know anyway? What did they know about his constant fear for Laura that had his insides in a knot? What did they know about all the nights he couldn’t sleep, those nights when he just had walked over to his rack, sitting in front of it watching Laura breathe?

What did they know at all?

Laura would not die!

She could not.

He would not let her.

His anger, his despair, bottled up so deep inside of him for the last few hours, came back full force, an anguished cry escaping his lips, resonating loudly in his empty quarters. He… he needed to do something, let out this fury that threatened to consume him at a whole.

Walking over to his desk he wiped off the books and glasses from its surface, throwing over the whole table once it was cleared. Pacing over to his bookstand, he tore at the various volumes, letting them fly into all directions. All the while he was howling out his pain.

Die? Laura couldn’t die. What would he be without her? What sense would his life make if she wasn’t in it any longer?

Resuming his pacing yet again, he found himself in front of a bulkhead, slamming his injured hand into it time and again.

His shouts gave away to sobs until he dimly realised that tears were streaming down his face by now.

No! He wouldn’t let her die. If she was to die, he’d die with her. He couldn’t go on without her. He hit the bulkhead again with as much force as he could muster, barely aware of the snapping sound indicating he had broken some bones. He didn’t feel anything, besides the pain in his heart. Slowly sinking to the ground, he buried his head in his hands, and sobbed.

What did they know? What did people really know? What did they know about his heart? What did they know about the way he loved, the way he loved Laura?

“Bill? Bill, talk to me.”

A voice – Laura’s voice – started to register with him.

“Bill? Bill, please talk to me.”

“Laura.” His own voice was hardly more than choked out whisper at this time.

“Bill, open the door, please.”

“No.” He couldn’t let her see him like this. He couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing him like this, crumpled, beaten down by life. He had to be strong, if not for himself than for her.

“Please. Open the door.” Although she was shouting, had to be shouting for her voice to reach through the door, he barely heard her.

He raised his head, clenching his teeth when a sharp burst of pain from his hand registered with his brain. “No. Not yet.”

“Bill, if you don’t open that door now, I’ll find someone who will do it for me.”

“Laura, please. Not now.”

“Yes, now, Bill.” Her voice was hard now, with just an edge of anxiousness. “Bill, open that frakking door.”

It was seldom that Laura used rough language, but when she did it always made an impact. Bill slowly scrambled up from the ground, walking over to the hatch, opening it with his uninjured hand.

Outside the door he saw Laura, Lee, Kara, as well as two marines but Laura tried to shield him from their gazes the instant the hatch was fully open. A look into her face told Bill everything he needed to know about how he looked liked. Turning his back to her, he remained still, just refusing to think or to feel for the moment. He could hear Laura closing the hatch behind her, and hoped she had entered alone.

“I don’t want to talk.”

He listened to the click of her heels that stopped some point behind him; then there was her hand lightly touching his shoulder.

“Bill, please, turn around.”

“Leave me alone, Laura.” He knew he sounded tired, defeated, but at this point of time he had no strength left. “I can’t… not now.” What he couldn’t, he didn’t even know himself.

“No. We’re in this together, aren’t we? Whatever it is, Bill. Let’s face this together. And now let me see what you’ve done to yourself. I saw your hand was bleeding badly.”

“I think I’ve broken some bones.”

“You did what? Well, let’s call Cottle then.”

“No, I don’t want to see him.”

“Bill.”

“No.”

She sighed, but her hand started to run over his shoulder in soothing circles. “Will you at least let me see and clean it?”

“Yes.” He slowly turned around, avoiding looking at her. He didn’t want to face her disappointment, or the accusatory look that would tell him that he should be able to hold it together because he wasn’t the one dying.

“Bill, look at me.”

Raising his eyes to hers, he only found concern in them. Concern and… love. There were tears in the corners of her eyes, waiting to fall, yet carefully held back. When she took his injured hand into his, he couldn’t help a hiss escaping him.

“You should really see Jack about it.”

“No.”

“Well, then let’s get this cleaned for starters.” She took his arm, leading him to the head, supporting most of his weight, not quite unlike the time when she’d brought him home after ‘the dance’.

The mirror in the head, still broken, was a vivid reminder of his outburst less than a day ago. Less than a day, yet a lifetime.

He watched her taking off the bandage, letting cold water run into the basin before easing his hand into it. It stung, bringing tears to his eyes. He took in a sharp breath. Laura took a small towel, wetting it before carefully rinsing off the blood. He tried to flex his fingers but couldn’t. When she was done, she carefully wrapped his hand into yet another towel.

“Look, Bill. Your hand is swollen. You can’t even move it. I have to agree with your assessment that something seems to be broken. We’ll go seeing Jack now. You won’t help anyone, the least yourself, by trying to will this away.”

“Laura…”

“No, Bill. We’ll go see Jack now.”

Taking his arm again, she led him out of his cabin. Outside Lee and Kara were still waiting, but he refused to look at them.

“Dad?”

“Everything’s under control, Mr. Adama,” Laura said, turning her head to Lee.

“But…”

“I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

She turned to Bill again, smiling reassuringly.

“I don’t like it if you talk as if I wasn’t even there,” he said when they were out of earshot of his family. His voice was still too hoarse for his own liking so he tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry, causing him to cough instead.

“You wanted them to accompany us all the way to life station?” Laura asked when the coughing had receded.

“No.”

“See. And who says I’ll tell them anything? Look, they’re only worried. Lee came running to me the moment he heard you yelling within your quarters. He said he called out to you but you hadn’t answered.”

“I didn’t hear him.”

He could see her nodding out of the corner of his eyes.

“I see.”

They had reached life station, and Laura helped him onto a chair, going to look for Cottle.

When she came back with him just a few minutes later, Jack shook his head at him. “I can’t frakking believe it. Do you have a death wish or something?”

***

Back in his quarters, Bill slumped down on his couch, bending over to ease out of his boots, before leaning back, closing his eyes.

He felt, instead of saw, Laura easing down beside him. Her hand reached out to his uninjured one, her thumb starting to draw circles on the back of his hand.

“Will you now tell me why?”

“Why what?”

“Bill…”

“I… it just happened.”

“You don’t ravage your quarters just like that. Is it still about Saul?”

A dry, bitter chuckle escaped him. “No. Although I still don’t wanna frakking believe it.”

“Was it something else then?”

“Stop it, Laura. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Frak, Bill.” Her hand left his, and he felt her shifting on the couch. Opening his eyes, he found her glaring at him. “You’ve got three broken bones in your hand, your quarters look like a tornado had its way with it, and you refuse to look at me since I found you here. I thought we were a team. I’m worried. Just talk.”

“Our quarters.”

“Pardon me?”

“You said ‘your quarters’. They aren’t. Not anymore. They are our quarters.”

She sighed. “Yes, Bill, our quarters.”

“You know that this was one of the reasons Carolanne divorced me, don’t you?”

“That you didn’t want to talk? Well, I’m not Carolanne, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

“What do you want to do? Tear into me until I spill my very soul to you. I hate to break the news to you, but you can’t make me talk only because you want to.” He glared back at her, his voice having risen for several decibels.

Holding her gaze, he could see the exact moment when the fire in her eye died, being replaced by a deep sadness that made him feel nauseous, knowing he was the one who had caused this reaction.

“Well, you’re right. I can’t. Obviously, I must have been mistaken when I thought there was enough trust between us by now that you’d be willing to talk to me when something arose that can make you want to literally tear down the walls.”

She got up from the couch in one swift motion. “I’ll be heading over to Colonial One. I’ll see you at the meeting tomorrow at eight.” She had almost reached the door when he came to his senses.

“Stay.”

She didn’t turn around.

“Why should I?”

“Our quarters – remember.” He sighed. “I overheard some crewmen talking. They didn’t hear me, and I didn’t announce my presence. I didn’t want to but couldn’t stop myself from listening either. They were talking about… my earlier breakdown, which the whole fleet seem to know about by now, and that they thought it strange that I could… break down over Saul but… not over you… dying.” His voice broke over the last note, and he cleared his throat.

Laura slowly turned toward him, not being able to suppress the tears that had been clouding her eyes earlier any longer. Walking over to him, she sat down beside him again, facing him.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Me neither. I just… saw red that moment. I just went here, and everything after that is just a blur.”

“Oh, Bill.”

“I… I don’t want to lose you. Don’t want you to die.” He had the feeling he’d have to suffocate on those few terrible words.

“I know, I don’t want to die either, but I can’t make any promises; you know that I can’t. I want to live for you. For a future together. “

This time it was him taking her hand into his, raising it up to his mouth, kissing each of her knuckles, before covering it with his injured hand, letting their joined hands rest in his lap.

“You remember our conversation from a few weeks ago?”

“Which one?”

“Where you told me that we would find Earth together?”

She nodded. “Yes, I do.”

He looked at her intently, not wanting to miss any nuance of her expression when he’d voice his next question; the one burning on his soul since finding Earth.

“Is this it now?”

She looked puzzled. “I don’t think I understand.”

“Is this it now? Now that we found Earth together, will you give in now? Give in to the cancer. The dying leader having fulfilled her prophecy?”

Her eyes widened in understanding; sadness and anger battling for supremacy. “What the frak, Bill? ‘This’ for once, is not it. ‘This’ can’t be it. Our job is far from being done, we both know that. And no, I won’t give in. I don’t want to let this life go. I don’t want to let you go. This cancer might take me, I won’t lie to you. I can feel that it will take me sooner or later, but not yet, not now.”

He looked away, the intensity of the moment too much for him to take in. “I… can’t live without you.” He took in a shaking breath, cursing himself for his weakness.

“Yes, Bill. You can.” There was steel in her voice, although it was just barely covering her own desperation, being obvious in her slightly shaky voice, in her hand that trembled, caught between his larger ones. “If I am to die, you have to take care of the people. Someone has to be strong for them. They need you. Promise me, please, promise me that you will be strong when you need to be. Please, Bill.”

He wanted to shake his head, to deny her, but in the end he couldn’t. He never could. “I promise.” He took in another painful breath, speaking before he could think twice about it. ” I love you, Laura." It had been longer than he even could remember that he had spoken these words for the last time but he found them easy to say. Easy to say to Laura.

New tears shimmered in her eyes, yet they didn’t fall. A small smile, precious in its fragile beauty, graced her face, and he let go of her hand, cupping her chin, leaning in to kiss her.

A soft kiss, not unlike their very first one; one which had been meant to convey his feelings for her. Her lips were soft, just a little bit dry, and he thought he could taste the salt of the ocean on them. His tongue darted out to get a better taste and his lips left hers just for the fraction of a second, so that he could take the time to look at her before he leaned in again for a second kiss.

She opened her lips under his, and he deepened the kiss. A shiver of desire made him tremble when his tongue slid into her mouth, touching hers. He had thought of kissing her more often than he’d ever admit. He had dreamed of kissing her deeply, thoroughly, during many a lonely night, but fantasy paled in comparison to reality. The feeling of her, the taste of her, the quiet humming sounds she made let his heart sing with joy, with some remnant of hope that things might not be hopeless after all.

When they parted for breath, their arms tightly wound around each other. Laura had her eyes still closed, a smile playing around her lips.

“Laura, I…,” a yawn, seemingly out of nowhere escaped his lips.

Her small frame started to shake from silent laughter. “Yes, Bill.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Well, I think it is. But what was it you wanted to say?”

“I wanted to say that I want to make love to you, but it seems my body is of a different opinion.”

She leaned in to him, covering the small distance between them, and showered his face with small, barely there kisses. “I want to make love to you, too. But I don’t think it will happen now. It’s been a long, dreary day, and you’re hurt. Let’s get you to bed; let’s sleep.”

“Will you stay with me?” He asked about more than just sharing his rack this night, and he could see in her eyes that she knew it as well.

Her hand reached out, her fingers tracing the contours of his face. “I’ll stay for as long as I can; I’ll fight for as long as I can. I promise.”

He smiled, looking at her for a long time before entangling from her to take her hand, leading her to his rack. When he lay spooned behind her, feeling her in his arms, he knew that he would be able to find some rest. His fears although not quieted would remain in the shadows of his heart, at least for tonight.

His hand tightened around her waist, and she snuggled deeper into him.

“You know that I won’t let you off the hook again that easily tomorrow, don’t you?” she murmured sleepily.

He chuckled. “I hope you won’t.”

Sleep overtook him soon and his last thought was about tomorrow. Tomorrow, when he would finally make love to Laura.

\- fin -


End file.
